Say that three times fast, and then pretend you’ve never felt it.
Schadenfreude \SHOD-n-froy-duh\ noun:
 A malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others. OK, that’s a little harsh and I am not proud of myself, but I was feeling the sting of a crappy review, and to make myself feel better I clicked over to my very favorite author, the goddess herself, Marian Keyes.

Goddess Marian Keyes

Say what? Imagine my surprise to find she received TEN one-star, really mean reviews, à la: “Why??” “SO disappointed,” to “Was this gobshite even edited?”
Mean reviews, like TMZ, are really funny. (Except when they’re not.)

One of my favorite historical fiction novels, The Botticelli Secret, also received its fair share of dings. I think the author, Marina Fiorato, is brilliant, with the most amazing voice for dialogue. Not everyone agrees: From “Do not buy this book!” to “Silly and shallow!” to “I feel angry and cheated and tore off the cover and threw it away!” to having vendettas out against the people who had the nerve to recommend it, “I’m looking for the sweet little old lady at the bookstore who convinced me to buy it: what lies beneath that nice lady persona?” mean reviews are, if nothing else, passionate.

Schadenfreude comes from the German, Schaden, “damage” + Freude, “joy” — and can apparently be abbreviated as TMZ.

Yes, I am damaged goods…but misery does love company.

She has been compared to a cross between E.T. and Starman, but ultimately, she’s women’s fiction…with a hopefully-ever-after ending, dedicated to my idol, Marian Keyes.

If I haven’t lost you yet, please check out author Vaughn Roycroft’s brilliant review of Ros!

I would love to hear what you think!

(Marian Keyes, where are you?)

PS: Oh my gosh, you’re still here? Why don’t you go click the “Like” button on Ros!

The Kitchen Shrink

The Scent of Jade
Women’s Fiction: Romantic adventure set in Costa Rica!
FREE on Sunday with 1-Click!

I was going to go with an eOrgasms article to spice up this dreary winter day, but I sat in front of my computer for such an embarrassing length of time, nothing came. Har har. (I wish I could write erotica…I hear it pays well.)

I apologize–this is strangely personal for someone you’ve never met. Let me digress. I grew up in Ennui, Ohio. (Which is a joke.) (Because it gives far too much credit to my hometown.) Back then, I would have traded clear skin for being fat in a heartbeat. Well now, the joke’s on me–I can eat exponentially greater quantities of potato chips when I read on my kindle, than while fumbling with a paperback book. That’s not to say I haven’t fumbled a bit with my Kindle–we’ve been to third base, (thanks to an overambitious, delicious, non-nutritious reading feast that included a glass of wine). Salty fingers are no friend to the digital domain, either, (orange-colored crumbs are even worse) but have no fear, a toothpick combined with a napkin serves as a tiny magic wand, erasing the evidence.

Thanks to a steady diet of so many new books to explore,  I do try to limit my grazing while gazing…feeding while reading…glutton on the button…

“Oh, dear God, please let this woman write better novels than blog posts,” you may be thinking. When updating my blog, I fear no one really cares about what an author has to say; whether or not I donate spare change to street musicians or have pet names for family members. My husband informed me he wants to be known as “Director,” (he does direct TV shows) but you’ll be happy to know I shined him off by directing him to “Direct this,” while grabbing my own arse. As for my kids, I could full out ID them by their cell phone-slash-social security numbers for all the impression I make on them–they never notice anything I do.

Back to me. Focus. I like to write because I say really stupid things. I do embarrassing things. I am a shit-talker. Guilty of Schadenfreude. I cheat in yoga. My bra and underwear don’t match. To add insult to injury, my kindle is making me fat.

Misery loves company, as they say–won’t you join me?

Ros

I’m partial to stories that have built-in food themes for book club picks, and while my novel, Ros, hasn’t been recommended for any book club (yet! A girl can dream…) I offer up an easy presentation, using only ingredients found in Ros–including Cinnamon Pop-Tarts. Enjoy!

Me: It is a warm, witty (hopefully, though God alone knows how many of us try to pass off the unfunny by calling it warm and witty) novel; friends-on-an-adventure facing insurmountable odds…

Devil: Is there an alien in it?

Me: Yes, but…

Devil: Science Fiction.

Me: No, but…

Devil: No Sci-Fi for me.

Me: Me, either.

Devil: (Recorded message) Thank you for considering me for submission of your manuscript. I kindly ask that you refrain from darkening my doorstep in the future.

Me: It’s not Science Fiction! Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Devil: Cloven hoof tapping impatiently.

Me: Think of it as a coming-of (voice lowers to whisper) -space- (louder) age story!

Devil:  SF.

Me: No, not at all! Geez. Never. I mean there is romance in there, and a few NSFW scenes that while gratuitous, certainly do serve to move the story along…

Devil: SF!

Me: No! I do not write erotica.

Devil:  Static on line; indeterminate rumbling that sounds a lot like “Maybe you should.”

Me: Who’s to say this didn’t really happen? Or that it won’t happen? The whole sci-fi world doesn’t have to be riddled with Stephen King monsters, or werewolves or vampires. Sookie Stackhouse would love Ros!

Devil: Dial tone.

Me: Oh, Ros. I miss you so. I mean, I would miss you if you had actually…Oops. My lips are zipped.

Ros was taped before a live studio audience. For a transcript of the show, please visit Ros!

Reader Unboxed – a brand new blog for all things fresh and fascinating in fiction–with the latest, unique “unboxed” novels!

Reader Unboxed is a collaboration between the amazing founders of the popular Writer Unboxed, authors Therese Walsh and Kathleen Bolton.

Partnering with top book bloggers under the guidance of the divine Fairy Godmother Larramie from The Divining Wand, Reader Unboxed is being launched as one of the most innovative and interactive places for readers to review and celebrate fiction and authors.

R U an RU?

You are invited to make Reader Unboxed one of your go-to destinations. Please take a look, leave a comment and become a Reader Unboxed!

Happy Reading!

Three hours and two trips (outta glue) later,

Gift Bag = 1, Dinner = 0.

Coming up Monday, October 17th, please set your browser to Reader Unboxed – a brand new blog for all things fresh and fascinating in fiction!

Reader Unboxed is a collaboration between the amazing founders of the popular Writer Unboxed, authors Therese Walsh and Kathleen Bolton.

Partnering with top book bloggers under the guidance of the divine Fairy Godmother Larramie from The Divining Wand, Reader Unboxed is being launched as one of the most innovative and interactive places for readers to review and celebrate fiction and authors.

R U an RU?

You are invited to make Reader Unboxed one of your go-to destinations. Please take a look, leave a comment and become a Reader Unboxed!

Happy reading!

Pinterest!

I needed some new toys for my nephew. He likes monkeys, I like monkeys. He likes plastic noisy things, I like cheap. (Dumb Dora was so dumb, her mother gave her money to go to the store to get felt, but Dumb Dora just laughed and laughed ‘cuz she knew she could go to the store and get felt for free.)

Voila! Friendly, felt monkey faces for hours 22 seconds of entertainment.

Pity from a four-year-old: Priceless.

Anybody Out There? I swoon–I am one step closer to friending Marian Keyes!

A Magic Wand TV remote control!

Then, we did this.

Then, we complained about that…

Then, it didn’t matter so much after this…

Or that…

Or this.

Then, we did this…

And that.

A little bit of this…

A little bit of that.

Followed by more of this…

xoxo

Twang, Momfriends and Click.

And be sure to enter to win some great SWAG!

What if…

Suellen’s Side of The Story…
I haven’t talked to my sister for nearly ten years, though I hear about her from time to time, of course. Folks can’t seem to resist wanting to stir up that honeypot, trying to catch me out sharpening my tongue on vengeful stories of her excesses; hoping to be the first to hear she’s grown as wide as a pickle barrel, or all her hair fell out. They’ll learn none of that from me. “She’s doing as well as can be expected,” I always say.

My parents, especially Mother, would probably be most ashamed of me, her middle daughter, since I turned out to be what the God-fearing members of my family charitably call a bluestocking. The less kind, perhaps not having a big enough vocabulary and an even more limited imagination, infer malicious perversions about me. So-called friends wearing hound-dog expressions try to comfort me, repeating aspersions in exchange for a ringside seat to a drama of I don’t know what. Sometimes it takes all my willpower to not just start clucking like a chicken, pecking at their skirts, or maybe even kissing them right on their dumb bunny mouths to give credence to their shabby hopes of a mind gone ‘round the bend. I try not to preen like others I know would, but there is solace to be had upon growing up with no expectations; surely life could only turn out to be a pleasant surprise.

After my husband died, God rest his soul, I ran away from home; from all that I hurt and all that I hated. I loath the very ground that swallowed my babe, my sole chance for redemption, and care not which gates of hell I enter. As if reading a book backwards, I set out for the other side of the world, looking for a better ending that perhaps I had missed. That’s another story; one not even my sister could begin to imagine…

Which relative (from history or fiction) would you like to read about?

There are so many great reading and writing blogs out there from funny and smart women–and thanks to Meg and the great SheWrites site you can spend houuurrrs! reading, learning, enjoying and escaping into the wonderful world of writing–you are warned!

I am a recovering exclamation point user. I never knew how universally hated the horn-honk of grammar has become. Bless me readers for I have sinned. I have been doing more than my fair share of pointing the exclamation. I fear it may be one of those symptoms (like when you’re pregnant and all you can see are other baby bumps) where my own liberal use of the left-handed pinkie lift leaves me astonished.

I am happy to report I am reformed. With remarkable restraint I refrain from relapsing. Alas. Meet my new addiction: alliteration.

With homage to two of my favorite authors, Eleanor Brown and Sarah Pekkanen, who are so gracious and eloquent, and always say just the right thing; I am eternally impressed (read: jealous) by the inspiration they share with their readers.

To that end, I thought I’d try to reach out, craft words of wisdom and “exercise” one of my demons with some uplifting tips. Where did I go wrong?

Work-Out FundaMENTALs:

• If you do not understand what DO NOT USE YOUR CELL PHONE means, (you know, that giant sign posted on the easel you have to walk around to enter the gym) please ask for help.
• DO NOT blow your nose into the neck of your t-shirt that you are currently wearing.
• If you must do Tai Chi, please DO NOT do it on the treadmill next to me.
• There is no such thing as calling SAFETY on work-out equipment. (That only works in your your own home, with SECOND-GRADERS.)
• Subsection IV: DO NOT leave your trash behind, this includes but is not limited to used towels, gum wrappers, gum, kleenex (really?!), bandaids (are you kidding me?), newspapers, cups, bottles, Q-TIPS??!!
• DO NOT prop up the the hairdryer in the locker room to blow dry your underpants.

Sigh. There is a cinnamon Pop-Tart at home with my name on it that I plan on eating (outside edges first) while reading what Eleanor and Sarah are up to. So help me, if they are doing a charity 5K for the underprivileged, I will scream.

The best part about writing is reading. The best part about reading is meeting other people who like to read and write. Enter the amazing world of book bloggers…smart, charming protagonists who graciously welcome a diverse utopia of stories and storytellers.

From the divine Larramie at The Divining Wand, to Audra over at Unabridged Chick, to Liz and Lisa at Chick Lit Is Not Dead, to Samantha at Chick Lit Plus, to Cathy at Lip Gloss and Literature, to Nigel Bird and his Dancing With Myself Interviews, to Raquel at Sinfully Tasty Reads, to Minh at Somewhere Only We Know, who cracked me up with the Best Worst Review ever…the universe is a better place thanks to this creative crowd of literati. Their style, personality and love of reading shines through each carefully crafted blog.

When one book closes another opens. Book bloggers have introduced me to many brilliant authors who I feel like I know, (but not in a stalkerish way) like the hilarious Karen Bergreen (FOLLOWING POLLY, and check out her stand-up comedy routines!), the awesome Elise Allen (YA author of ELIXIR with Hillary Duff and soon-to-be-released POPULAZZI, and bloggista extraordinaire!) and the fabulous Carol K. Karr (author of INDIA BLACK, my new, fav historical fiction).  Please note: I am not a stalker. Except for Marian Keyes…her, I’m stalking.

As writers work so hard for space on readers’ bookshelves, it is a magical adventure. The wit and wisdom of book bloggers make it that much more enchanting.