Why Can’t I Write Erotica?

Spank me, pull my hair, make me call you Daddy.

I like titillating stuff as much as the next girl. If I write it, it makes me squirm, and not in the good way. The dirtiest thing I ever came up with was (insert deep throaty whisper here), “kittttty litttter.” I once wore an apron to the pleasure palace, and arrived armed with a spatula. It made him ravenous. Seriously, not only was it apparently not sexy that I showed up in the boudoir looking like I was ready to pull buns from the oven, he didn’t even notice other than the fact that it reminded him he was hungry. He does pretend he can’t hear me and always asks me to repeat myself when, “I have to caulk the shower.”